Department:
The exchange went like this...
Husband: I'm gonna be out of town until next Wednesday, and when I get back, I need a commitment from you that we can continue the project, and push it through to completion.
Wife: Okay. We'll do it. I am committed. You have my commitment.
Husband: Okay. Whatever.
Wife: You sound unconvinced.
Husband: Well, it's been two years now, and we still haven't finished it.
Wife: Yes, I understand. But we have both had distractions along the way...
Husband: Look, I have plenty of reason to be skeptical. You shouldn't come off all defensive about it. Trust is earned over time, and I have good reason not to trust your answer.
Wife: Then why did you ask?
Husband: Okay, now you're just giving me grief because you don't like my totally justifiable doubt as to whether you really mean it when you say you are committed.
Wife: If you already know that you're not going to believe my answer to your question, then please spare me the time, trouble, and pain of the subsequent discussion by not asking it in the first place.
Husband: Look, there's no need to get frustrated and angry with me over this. I'll be back on Wednesday, and we'll just see how it goes.
Folks, what's wrong with this conversation? Let's make this into a situational ethics class... Who's right, and who's wrong here? More particularly, who is acting appropriately, and who is being inappropriate? Because right now, I'm filling in the subsequent blanks, and I am imagining the wife's possible responses:
Wife:
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Are you trying to make me hate you right now?
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Are you trying to make me dread my next conversation with you?
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Are you trying to bolster my own conviction never to promise you anything again, for fear that I might fall short?
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Are you being honest with others when you tell them how much you love me?
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Are you being honest with others when you extol my virtues?
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Are you being honest with me right now, or with others about me? Because I don't think it can be both.
Husband, you have just informed your wife that she is a loser, and as a result, she is likely despondent about her apparent inability to ever live up to your expectations.
Here's what you have done:
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You have called to mind her past failures.
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You have informed her that you do not believe she is a woman of integrity (if she were, you would trust her answer).
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You have summarily failed to encourage her in any way.
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Instead of building her up, you have torn her down.
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You have demonstrated to her the fact that you are not forthright in your communication with her, and that there is a hidden agenda behind it.
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You have shown yourself to be a childish victim, as though she were malicious in her past failures to meet your expectations.
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You have selfishly attempted to excavate from her some kind of apology or some such accolade alluding to your own virtue and perfection of character.
The husband thinks it's about "the project." And the wife initially does too. But it's not. Ultimately, this is about the husband's insecurities, and his unconscious need to maintain the moral upper hand. Not because he believes he is perfect, but because he subconsciously needs to be perfect, only to avoid the condemnation of being found wanting—and this is because he is a splitter. Look it up (google: "psychology: splitting"). It's a horrible condition, and left unchecked, it will ruin the lives of yourself and the ones who love you, though they will feel the ruin more than will you, until it's too late.
Friends: If you are a Splitter, please stop it! You're hurting everyone around you, and you are damaging your own interpersonal relationships. Stop splitting, and instead come to realize that good people sometimes do evil, because that's the world within which we live. And just because you've done something wrong, doesn't make you an evil person. And this goes for everyone.
So how should this conversation have gone? The answer is simple:
Husband: I'm gonna be out of town until next Wednesday, and when I get back, I need a commitment from you that we can continue the project, and push it through to completion.
Wife: Okay. We'll do it. I am committed. You have my commitment.
Husband: Awesome. See you Wednesday.
Can't you just feel the harmony here? By comparison, is this not sweet? And smooth? And beautiful?
So what makes this possible? How is the husband able to move out of the first example, and into the second example (which, if you don't believe is better, you shouldn't waste you time reading further.)?
Has he suddenly decided to trust her, even though her track record deserves no such indication? Has he switched off his intellect, as if to ignore that which he can logically and empirically deduce?
No.
What he does, to move from scenario A to scenario B—from skepticism into faith—is this: He acts like God does. He takes a godly posture, expressing faith and love, which, by the way, transcend objective facts. Does he submit his memory of her failures to oblivion? That's pretty hard to do, because we know what we know, and most of us are loathe to the idea of just giving away a piece of our intellect. It is furthermore unnecessary.
And here's an instructive question: Does God trust us? Think about it... Does God trust you? Have you ever even considered this question? Are you so trustworthy that God Himself can trust you? Don't take this as an insult, but "I don't think so." You can quote me on that. I'm pretty sure (I am persuaded with all of my being) that God cannot trust me in any given instance or circumstance, apart from His enabling of myself in Christ. And this is only because we know that Christ is trustworthy. The takeaway here is this: if I am ever discovered to be untrustworthy, it can only be because I failed to be in Christ in every detail and aspect of a given effort which we know to have been God's will. (This, of course, opens a whole new book on what we know or perceive to be God's will—a consideration outside our current scope.)
And yet!— God has entrusted stuff to us.
So now we come to the crux of the issue, and how it points to our faith. If we want to be godly, if we want to be more like God, shall we not entrust certain things to certain individuals? After all, that's what God does...
But all things are of God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and gave unto us the ministry of reconciliation; to wit, that God was in Christ reconciling the world unto himself, not reckoning unto them their trespasses, and having committed unto us the word of reconciliation.
—2 Corinthians 5:18-19 ASV
In other words, God has entrusted unto us His ministry of reconciliation.
And what is entrustment?
entrust: To give over (something) to another for care, protection, or performance
And when you give an entrustment, you are giving. It is an act of giving, whether you actually trust them or not! Read again!—whether you actually trust them or not. It is a gift.
As individuals, does God trust each one of us to administer to the world His reconciliation? I think not, for who can trust a man? Nonetheless, as His church, as a people collectively submitted to Christ, and indwelt by His Holy Spirit, God has entrusted to us this ministry. We should consider this an elevating commendation!
Now, in the same way, you, Husband, have the opportunity now to decide: will you express your lack of trust in your wife on the basis of her past performance, or will you, like God, entrust to her the opportunity and encouragement to rise to the occasion and demonstrate her own determination to get it right this time, to be found trustworthy? One way is an encouragement to her, the other way is condemnation. Which do you choose? Will you give to her a gift?
So Husband: Wake up! Stop splitting, as though any fault of yours amounts to total condemnation (which it doesn't). We all have faults, and so do you. That doesn't make you evil, so stop pretending that it might. You've done wrong; get over it, and move on. And of this you must repent: skepticism regarding your wife's intentions as she proclaims her desire to address your desires. She is an individual too, you know. Or did you marry a robot? I don't think so. I think you saw in her a volitional force to which you were attracted. And now, in your selfish desire, you wish she had no other motivation than to await your next command...? Don't be stupid. This is not who you married, and you know I'm right. She was your choice. Now don't pretend to craft her into something she never was. Instead, seek to embrace who she shall become... and you have more power than you think, for she does, in fact, seek your happiness, as well as her own. Every wife will attest to what I am saying.
Psychological study and analysis, though primarily humanistic in nature, not spiritually derived, nonetheless often shows itself to be instructive. And although this definition of "Splitting" is naturally derived, the Holy Scriptures do in fact have something to say about it all:
And moreover I saw under the sun the place of judgment, that wickedness was there; and the place of righteousness, that iniquity was there. I said in mine heart, God shall judge the righteous and the wicked: for there is a time there for every purpose and for every work.
—Ecclesiastes 3:16-17 KJV
"God shall judge..."
Let us not presume to be judge, and thus usurp God in our relationships. Let us instead embrace this entrustment of God's ministry of reconciliation, especially within our own marriage! Husband: Encourage your wife. Refrain from any vestige of skepticism. Let her know that, like God, who has encouraged you, you shall encourage her continually until the day you die! Let THAT be your encouragement to her, instead of some lame reminder of her past failures, from which she will forever be subject to recovery...
Husband: think this way... If you die today, which reminder would you like to leave her with; that she was, and continued to be, the apple of your eye... or that she might have become valuable if she had only measured up..?
You decide.
We know what God has decided about us. So let's be like God, shall we?
Comments
Daniel K Day (not verified)
Tue, 08/03/2021 - 11:16am
Permalink
I looked up "splitter" in
I looked up "splitter" in dictionary.com, but it was no help.
ericfoy
Thu, 08/12/2021 - 8:08pm
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Thank you, Daniel, for your
Thank you, Daniel, for your comment!
The following might help...
Try Googling: "psychology: splitting." You will find many links to the subject. One in particular is this...
From the Wikipedia link: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Splitting_(psychology)
Splitting (also called black-and-white thinking or all-or-nothing thinking) is the failure in a person's thinking to bring together the dichotomy of both positive and negative qualities of the self and others into a cohesive, realistic whole. It is a common defense mechanism.[1] The individual tends to think in extremes (i.e., an individual's actions and motivations are all good or all bad with no middle ground).